The elections are over and America enters a new era. It’s the first time in American history that an African-American president will reside with his family on Pennsylvania Avenue. This is not the only historic change. With the national security threatened by terrorism, the Secret Service will also for the first time deploy a new breed of security agent. Agent K9 will join the first family. He will be stationed in their most private rooms. Job duties include sniffing around corners for potential threats and analyzing food samples under the presidential dining table. Even sleeping in the presidential bed will be required.
President-Elect Obama's Chief of Staff Emanuel Rahm is currently vetting hundreds of applicants for this position. As diverse as this administration will be, as diverse are the candidates. From speedy Greyhounds to sneaky Wiener Dogs, hairy Collies, stained Dalmatians or fierce Dobermans, all of them applied and could eventually join the ranks.
What the Secret Service should consider, are certain skills that a K9-presidential puppy must bring to this job.
- Collies are definitely optically optimized companions, making good impressions on state visits. But after the near-choking of still-president Bush by a salty piece of bretzels, the respiratory organs and therefore the safety of the president might be endangered by a hair-shedding canine.
- Howling at the moon in the night? That is not an option. Which immediately disqualifies Huskies.
- While Greyhounds might seem ideal for their speed, their thin waistlines make them unfit for serving as bullet or shrapnel catchers.
- Everybody loves Wiener Dogs, but let's be straight: with their low-rider-like body structure they tend to be nothing more than stumbling blocks on the path to presidential glory.
- Boxers and bulldogs? Too stupid. Too much drool.
- Afghan dog? Too easy for a Taliban slipping through the security net.
- Chihuahua? Probably crossed illegally into the country.
It's obvious that the Secret Service's task is not an easy one. And it leaves us with one ideal option. A dog that does not only combine all the aforementioned positive qualities, but who can also chase dangerous squirrels away from the first family, a dog that is savvy in retrieving presidential property, like sticks and balls. A dog born to be agent K9.
Ladies and Gentlemen: The presidential poodle.
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